Dear you know who you are,
I don't care if you see this or if you don't, but I need to say it. I love you. So much. You are the entire reason I am alive and that I still even can think. I'm sorry I hurt you, you have to believe me when I say I didn't mean to. I'm sorry I'm so insanely scared of losing you that I get jealous when I shouldn't. You need to know I trust you with my life, and the fact that I get so jealous and scared when you latch onto another girl just shows that I love you. I never want to lose you. You are worth every risk I have to take to have you. You need to know that. You need to know that I would do ANYTHING to have you back. I understand now that I made a mistake, and I would take that back in a second if I could. I will do ANYTHING, ANYTHING, to have you know that I trust you so much and I do depend on you. Please just let me show you that.
I love every inch of you,
Taylor
Monday, May 19, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
The End is Near
I think this is my worst time of the year for my depression and thoughts in general. It seems that in May everything ends. School ends, your hard work pays off for finals and AP tests. Dance recitals and graduation and it all comes together in 4 short weeks. This year is going to be particularly hard for me as my friends are graduating and I'm not. I have two more years of high school and my friends are entering college as juniors because of AP tests and just being damn smart. My best friend is graduating and I don't know how I'm going to get through high school without him. He's been there literally since the beginning of my freshman year and he knows how to handle me and how to get me to just calm down some days. Not to mention Maria and Caitlyn and Catherine, both the Catherine's... Just everyone is leaving, and I feel like my life is turning into The Perks of Being a Wallflower, with all my friends leaving and my just generally getting worse...
I'm not looking forward to the next month
I'm not looking forward to the next month
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The duet
I had a rehearsal today with the show I've been working on, Comedy Tonight with my local theatre. I think I've started to develop a crush on a guy and oh my god I am not ok with this. He's perfect and funny and beautiful and 5 years older than me. I don't stand a chance in hell. But he notices me, and that's huge for me.
We sang a duet tonight when we went to karaoke after the rehearsal. Everyone is well over the age to legally order alcohol. And of course, I'm not, I'm still 5 years out from being able to legally order alcohol. So everyone was drunk as hell when all of the sudden, the DJ called out my name and this guys name. We did a duet. He just kept saying, "Just look at me, the crowd isn't there, it's just us." Because he knew I got bad crowd anxiety
He didn't mean anything by asking me to do the duet. I know he didn't. But... He could've done it with anyone, literally. But he asked me... I don't know. I wish I had the courage to actually ask for his number to talk to him more. I want to be his friend. I just don't know how to do that.
We sang a duet tonight when we went to karaoke after the rehearsal. Everyone is well over the age to legally order alcohol. And of course, I'm not, I'm still 5 years out from being able to legally order alcohol. So everyone was drunk as hell when all of the sudden, the DJ called out my name and this guys name. We did a duet. He just kept saying, "Just look at me, the crowd isn't there, it's just us." Because he knew I got bad crowd anxiety
He didn't mean anything by asking me to do the duet. I know he didn't. But... He could've done it with anyone, literally. But he asked me... I don't know. I wish I had the courage to actually ask for his number to talk to him more. I want to be his friend. I just don't know how to do that.
Monday, February 17, 2014
2-17-14
I woke up 8:30 on a day im supposed to have break in order to have a Rapid Palatal Expander put in. I've had it for maybe 5 hours and I'm already crying from how frustrating this thing is. I can't speak, I can't swallow, I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't do ANYTHING with my mouth and it's making me cry. I'm hungry and thirsty and I have to have this torture device for 4 months. I want to rip it out of my mouth. This entire month has just been shitty, and I can tell it's just gonna get shittier.
Friday, February 7, 2014
2-7-14
Right now I want to be anywhere than where I am. I want to be in my secret spot, or in the woods, or Atlanta, ANYWHERE than home and school right now. Preferably, I want to be in Columbus, where a ton of my friends are for Thespian Conference. I'm a thespian, I should be there. But god forbid I get to go this year. This was my only and last year to go with my friend from guard and I didn't get to be there with her to share inside jokes and laugh and share memories with. Like I physically ache from the pure want of wanting to be there. Theatre has quickly became my whole life, with tech crew and auditions, it quickly took over my life and I love it. I love it all, the one acts, the full acts, Shakespeare, modern, costume design, stage lights, directing, stage manager, you name it I love it. Columbus is the one place I truly with all my heart want to be. And I can't, and it's killing me.
Overall this has been an extremely shitty week. I'm failing classes, I can't keep my head on straight, my teeth hurt from braces, this entire week has sucked major balls, and I'm ready to have my friends back so I can talk to people again.
Overall this has been an extremely shitty week. I'm failing classes, I can't keep my head on straight, my teeth hurt from braces, this entire week has sucked major balls, and I'm ready to have my friends back so I can talk to people again.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
The term "sexy"
Now, if you know me, I have little to no confidence in myself, the few times I believe I look even slightly decent is if I'm wearing red lipstick and a nice outfit. Other than that, I probably feel like I look like shit, and honestly I usually do. I don't put makeup on in the morning, I don't straighten my hair, I brush my hair and teeth in the morning, get dressed and run out the door. The entire getting ready process takes about 10 minutes, but because it's the morning I give myself 30, because it takes 15 minutes for me just to get out of my bed.
Now I'm not saying you NEED to do this to be pretty, hot, sexy, etc. But lately, especially in my high school, I've noticed this becoming almost a necessity in order to be noticed by males or females.
I've had a couple boyfriends in high school, me being now in my sophomore year, and I've personally had them call me cute, adorable, beautiful. And normally, unless I feel like the lowest shit in the universe, even if I don't believe it, I try to just say "Thank you". It's a compliment, why not take it? The only two terms that I try to steer away from are hot and sexy.
I'm 16. I'm still growing and developing and finding myself, all that high school jazz. Unless the situation calls for it, if a male or female, my other or not, calls me sexy or hot, I feel uncomfortable. I feel that they are referring to my body, and more importantly the areas that I'm not confident about. They are looking at the physical form of me and what I am wearing. They don't always also refer to me as a person and my personality and the way I carry myself. They refer to the things that they would see in bed.
And I don't like that. I've told the two boyfriends I've had that I despise being called hot or sexy unless the timing called for it. I will take adorable, cute, beautiful, any of those, but I don't like being called hot or sexy. I feel like I am just an object to them if that's all they can call me. And I want so much more than just being a sex object they can touch and look at. If they can call me more than that, they more than likely can see ME and my fears and personality and craziness, and I like that.
Now I'm not saying you NEED to do this to be pretty, hot, sexy, etc. But lately, especially in my high school, I've noticed this becoming almost a necessity in order to be noticed by males or females.
I've had a couple boyfriends in high school, me being now in my sophomore year, and I've personally had them call me cute, adorable, beautiful. And normally, unless I feel like the lowest shit in the universe, even if I don't believe it, I try to just say "Thank you". It's a compliment, why not take it? The only two terms that I try to steer away from are hot and sexy.
I'm 16. I'm still growing and developing and finding myself, all that high school jazz. Unless the situation calls for it, if a male or female, my other or not, calls me sexy or hot, I feel uncomfortable. I feel that they are referring to my body, and more importantly the areas that I'm not confident about. They are looking at the physical form of me and what I am wearing. They don't always also refer to me as a person and my personality and the way I carry myself. They refer to the things that they would see in bed.
And I don't like that. I've told the two boyfriends I've had that I despise being called hot or sexy unless the timing called for it. I will take adorable, cute, beautiful, any of those, but I don't like being called hot or sexy. I feel like I am just an object to them if that's all they can call me. And I want so much more than just being a sex object they can touch and look at. If they can call me more than that, they more than likely can see ME and my fears and personality and craziness, and I like that.
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